I thought I was ready

I thought I was ready to have all of my littles in school. Since May, I’ve bragged excitedly shared with anyone who will listen that my days are going to be full of possibility come this fall. I can find a full time position, go back to school, keep a clean house…all because my 5 year old would be starting Kindergarten.

I thought I was ready to have my youngest join his siblings in the wonderful world of public school. Sitting on my porch sipping coffee and resisting the urge to drive to the school to rescue my baby from having fun without me, tells me that maybe I’m not so keen to the idea. Independence is great for 3 out of the 4, but am I even a mom when the tiny one stops being tiny??

How did we get here?? I have done everything in my power to sabotage the inevitable growing up that they say all children must do! I provide bathroom assists, pick out his clothes, carry him around the house as often as possible, and refused to take him to the barber because a haircut will make him look too big! Things started out on a positive note, as I was helping him get dressed, my son asked why I couldn’t stay with him at the school. As we continued to prepare for his new adventure, he asked me things like, “what if I get hungry?” and “But I don’t know where the trash can is!” He needs me, he still needs me.

Something changed when we got to the school. My precious little boy started to reach for my outstretched hand, and then decided he didn’t need it. “We’re on the sidewalk mom, why do I need to hold your hand?” Once in the classroom, he was pleased to see that his fears of being hungry were for nothing, as a bag of goodies was waiting right in front of his name tag. I looked around and noticed that the other parents were helping their children retrieve the straw from the bag and place it in their milk. I went to do the same and was rendered useless when my son noticed I was looking through the bag and informed me that he had already taken care of it.

This was the moment I broke. When I realized that he was going to be fine, happy even, I desperately wanted my baby back! The teachers dismissed us parents from the room, and I suddenly became the mom telling their child “I love you” repeatedly, and walking a little too slowly toward the door. In response to my final goodbye, my sweet boy flashed me a genuine smile (not the one he uses when I force him to let me take a picture), told me he loved me, waved goodbye and turned around before I was even out the classroom door. I thought I was ready for my baby to start Kindergarten, but it turns out that he’s more ready than his momma!